Moana and My Life Right Now

My daughter’s favorite movie right now is Moana. We have to listen to the soundtrack in the car and watch the movie at least once a day, if not twice. And Moana never fails to bring a tear to my eye, every time I watch. Not necessarily for the reasons you may think. Mostly because it’s so relate-able.

At the center of this movie, you have Moana, the girl who dreams of something more while everyone else tries to convince her to just be happy where she’s planted. And it’s not necessarily that they’re wrong, because you should absolutely find happiness right where you are. But, why try to convince a girl to give up on her dreams, her desires, her calling?

It’s no secret that I hate my job. But instead of having family members like the grandmas in all the Disney movies who encourage you to do what makes you happy, I have family who are more like Moana’s father and village, encouraging her to just be happy with what she does have.

“At least you have a job”

“Well, when I was working at -insert company here- they -insert ways the company was not a good employer- and I still stayed with them”

And it’s not that I don’t value hard work and the occasional sacrifice. But how much are we supposed to sacrifice? When your job makes you suicidal, why should you be expected to just be happy you have a job and deal with the unfair treatment and misery? Why should I just deal with feeling like this? I should not have to sacrifice all of myself just to pay the bills. I spend majority of my time at work. Why would I want to spend majority of my life being unhappy?

I have a lot of dreams in my head that I’d love to pursue, but capitalist America has me afraid to try. I have so much to lose, I can’t afford to be too risky. So, everytime I see Moana yearning for the open water, I get teary eyed. Because I know those pains, that feeling of longing. And when she goes for what she wants I get teary eyed because I want that so bad.

I’m trying to take a page out of Moana’s book, though. I am trying to test the waters, to find a way to reach out and go for what I want. Baby steps, but steps forward all the same. I will cross the horizon one day.


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Word Vomit on a Bad Day

The truth is that I’m not okay. I’m overwhelmed and stressed and scared and suicidal, but I know I can’t possibly kill myself because I’ve got a little girl who needs me, and that just adds to me feeling trapped. I need help, but it seems like nobody can help me, and I can’t catch a break. I’ve been very actively suicidal since Monday, but because I can’t get any help I’m just spiraling in and out of really low depressive moments where I cry and really manic moments where I feel the need to do something but can’t and just moments where I’ve given up and can barely find the strength or the will to even move. But every day when friends ask me how I am and I don’t have anything else to tell them, I feel like they’re getting tired of hearing me be like this. So I’m putting up this fake face to keep everyone happy. But the truth is I’m tired, and I need help so bad. And when I’ve tried to get help, nobody is actually helping me, or they can’t help me because they don’t know how. And I don’t even know how to help myself.


I’m in an abusive relationship.

They are mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusive to me. They do not care about me or my feelings. They do not care if I am sick, or if my child is sick. I am less than human in their eyes. I am no better than a robot who should do nothing more than what I am told to do.

My partner makes me feel worthless, stupid, stressed out, overwhelmed. I sometimes find myself thinking about suicide. I am so miserable that I often just break down crying.

But, they pay my bills for me. And buy me groceries and pay the babysitter. They take care of me and provide my health insurance and offer me time off occasionally.

Do you think I should stay in this relationship?

Because I’m talking about my job.

My job, that makes me feel miserable and suicidal. My job, where I’m verbally and emotionally and mentally abused by the people who call in to the call center. They don’t care if I’m sick or if my daughter is sick, because doctor notes are not accepted. I make a paycheck, but I’m barely living from paycheck to paycheck. This job feels like it’s sucking my soul from me, leaving me an empty, cold, lifeless shell.

But hey, it’s got benefits. It’s money, even if the money is not enough.


You wouldn’t tell a woman dating an abusive man to stay in the relationship just because he pays her bills and buys her stuff sometimes. Why do people insist on telling me to stop complaining about how much I hate my job just because they offer benefits and it puts a little money in my bank account?


The funny thing is that I’ve been trying to type up a post about how I feel for a few days now, letting it sit in my drafts, unsure of how to say what I need to say. And the feelings I needed to release have now cost me my relationship.

I am strong in many senses of the word, and I can acknowledge that. But I also know where my weak points are, and my sensitivity is in that category. I am emotional, and I can’t help it, though i do try. I feel things very intensely, I am often irrational, and sometimes impulsive. I have very low self esteem, and I’m this interesting mix of introverted and extroverted where I do well on my own, but I still need human connection. And I currently don’t get that human connection.

I work a job that makes me miserable, and when I’m not working, I’m at home with my daughter. The only time this is broken is when I go to my fitness classes twice a week. But I’m not having conversations at my fitness classes, I’m trying to get strong. What this means is that I have no real decent conversations with anyone. And it’s a very lonely feeling when none of the people who live close to you are able to make time or don’t want to make time to come see you.

Up until last night, I was engaged. And the man that is now my ex got a job 4 hours from us, and so was only home on the weekends for the past 3 weeks. And during his time there, communication between us was scarce. I understood that he was busy. I was busy in my own way. But my loneliness and bitterness got in the way. Because when you live the way I do, and you get to watch and listen to your significant other work a job they love and be surrounded by friends and live this life of freedom that you don’t get because you actually have responsibilities and sole custody of your child, you get jealous.

And it’s not that I’m upset about having the baby. She is my whole world, my light in this darkness. I’m just, as I said before, lonely. It’s not his fault that he gets to live his life to such a fulfilling degree. But he’s not good at emotions, and so was never very good at helping me with mine. If he didn’t have the answer to my problems he’d just get frustrated, which is a common theme amongst my exes, apparently. And so we were stuck in this perpetual cycle of me feeling envious and lonely and him feeling guilty. And finally everything snapped. And now I’m once more a single mother.

It hurts. I can’t lie about that. I mean, I was engaged to this man. I feel… betrayed, worthless, pathetic, like a fucking mistake and failure. But most of my feeling is fear. Because I allowed myself to do something I swore I would never do, and once again I became dependent on a man. And now I have no one helping with the bills and my paycheck won’t cover all of my bills, plus childcare, plus gas, plus groceries. And I’m so fucking scared. And I’m ashamed that I let myself become so complacent. I mean, we even got a join checking account to use specifically for shared bills!

I’m currently flip-flopping between feeling sick to my stomach and feeling a steely resolve and determination. I don’t know how I’m going to do this, honestly, and I’ve got a million emotions raging in my head now. This man was the only father my daughter has ever known, though he is not her biological father. And he wants to stay in her life. Everyone is asking me if I’m okay. And the only answer I have for that is that i have to be. In reality? I’m not really okay right now. I’ve been shoved under the bus and I’m doing my best to tuck and roll and make it out alive. It’s a mess right now. But I’ve got to stay strong to support that little girl. I will do anything for her.


I haven’t posted much. Ever. And I guess I should’ve expected that. My lack of motivation, willpower, and time do that to a lot of aspects in my life. And it’s not necessarily that I’m in the “mood” to write. But I feel like I need to, because I’ve been overflowing.

A friend recently posted something on Facebook that says it’s a sign of anxiety if you look in the mirror and contemplate your existence, your reality. I must be overloaded with anxiety, because for weeks now all I can think about is death.

As a Christian, raised in the faith by Baptists, I believe in God and Heaven and Hell. As an individual who has formed their own beliefs and understandings, I fear the possibility of us being wrong. Now, I don’t really wanna talk about religion. I’ve never read the Bible all the way through and I don’t go to church like I know I should, so I’m in way over my head when I try to actually talk religion. So that’s not where this is coming from.

This comes from a fear of nothingness. There were many years before me, before event he concept of me. And I do not remember anything from any of that time. It all happened, and I was nothing. And then I was, and I don’t even remember that until maybe age 3 or 4? But now I have consciousness. I am alive and I feel and I think. But what of death? What happens? What happens if religion is wrong and there is no Heaven or Hell and there is only nothingness as there was before me. The concept of not being is one so vast that I cannot wrap my head around it, and it leaves my chest tight in fear. I simply cannot imagine not being. I literally cry when I think about this, which is every day and most definitely every night.

And it makes me wonder, if in the end we take nothing with us and we just simply… cease to be, what is any of it for? Why are we even dong anything if none of it matters anyway? Some of us will leave a lasting impression, as seen in history books and art and music and whatnot. But think of how many people have existed that left no mark on the world. So many forgotten people, as if they never existed in the first place. Why even try?

I don’t know what it is that put this thought train into my head, but I can’t derail it. So I’m stuck on this loop with my throat feeling constricted and my body feeling cold and my temples hot and pounding.

I want to believe there is something after this. But then, how do we fathom forever? A continuous loop of existence in Heaven or Hell? Reincarnation with no remembrance of our past lives, just experiencing this world with new bodies and the same existential crises? It seems like most religions have a similar concept of the afterlife, in the sense that they believe in something after death, just as they seem to believe in something(s) or someone(s) bigger than themselves.

The uncertainties of life haunt me. I guess we’ll never know until it’s too late.


I want to preface this by saying that you can have whatever beliefs you want. As a human, you are entitled to that. And yes, we have freedom of speech, to an extent. But the moment you stop respecting EVERYONE’s right to free speech, we’ve got some serious problems.

This election is going to tear our country apart. I seriously don’t know if America can weather this. So much hatred from so many sides, so many people just absolutely losing their minds. I have watched statuses and pictures from all different sides of the argument while scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed. And I’ve mostly kept my mouth shut, because I don’t enjoy confrontation as much as my attitude may sometimes suggest. But I finally had enough when someone who is a friend of my family kept posting pro-Trump statuses and pictures and posting insulting things about people who support the other candidates. And it was easy enough to scroll past it all at first, no matter how sick it made me to my stomach. But when I would get curious and look at the comments, a few of his friends who disagreed with him would try to comment their opinions, and he would completely shut them down in a condescending manner. This from a man who is proud that he is not educated. A man who has never worked to better himself and has just relegated himself to the task of hard work and thinks that this makes him better and smarter than most people. But, I digress, as I am prone to do. Not only would he start being an absolute ass, his like-minded friends would jump in as well, and I’m sure he found this hilarious and rewarding. He tried to pretend that he was innocent, but had been called out at least once that I saw by someone who reminded him that he had called them screaming and threatening them over the phone because of this stuff.

I do not like America. I do not like what this place is or what it is becoming. I would gladly leave, if possible, though there are multiple reasons I cannot (no matter how many times people try to argue this point. It is NOT that easy to just pick and leave and survive when you have a child). And so I did indeed post a status on my Facebook that says that I hate America. And that is when the shit hit the fan. because he felt it was okay to comment and insult liberals. Well, I have many a liberal friend, and they did not take kindly to this. And so they proceeded to give him a taste of his own medicine. Until the point that he got extremely hurt and blocked me. And then messaged at least 2 of my loved ones telling them how he hurt their feelings and it wasn’t okay for them to insult him. Even though he had insulted them. It is apparently not okay for anyone to treat him the way he treats others.

And typically I would just move on from this, but I am really actually upset by this. Because this was someone that I thought was a good person, and then painted me and my loved ones as bad people. I wouldn’t be so upset if he hadn’t tried to play the victim and LIE. He messaged my fiancé telling my fiancé not to insult him. And the he tried to tell me that my fiancé had messaged him first. And this childish behavior did not help when I told him that I would file harassment charges if he didn’t leave me and my loved ones alone, because he tried to turn it around on me and threatened to call the cops on me. And of course he played the innocent victim card to his mother, who of course believes that I am just as much to blame for the blow up.

I am extremely conflicted in my emotions right now. I am angry. I am sad. But most of all, I feel a deep sense of foreboding. This is our future, America, if we don’t do something and do it fast. A man threatened to go to my fiancé’s workplace and try to cause a scene and try to fight him. And I have to bite my tongue because now he’s threatening to call the cops on me. And so I have to be the bigger person. And I hate being the bigger person, because I hate leaving shitty people feeling satisfied with themselves and thinking that they won something. But unlike him, I actually have custody of my child and have to look after her and care for her, and I cannot and will not put that at risk.


A Year of Motherhood

Where has my tiny little newborn gone? Where is my snuggly baby who just needs Momma? Over the course of a year, just one year, I now have a curious little girl who walks in circles around the living room yelling adorable baby gibberish at me. And I am both amazed and proud of her as well as a little heartbroken that the time went so fast.

When you’re a new mother, they warn you. Snuggle them, cuddle them, enjoy the early moments when these helpless little infants need you so much. Because they will grow. Carrying them around for extended periods of time will get more tiresome. And one day instead of just snuggling in your arms, they’re going to want to be crawling or walking around, exploring under your watchful gaze.

But you don’t listen to them. You gaze admiringly at this little bundle of new baby smell and imagine all the possibilities in store for them. When they’re sick, and all they can do is cry, all you can do is wish they could talk to tell you what is wrong. But when that first step is taken, it’s bittersweet. The first step towards independence.

My work life keeps me from my daughter more than I am comfortable with. But I have to pay the bills, so to the trusted babysitter she goes. I can not begin to tell you how bad it feels to feel like the babysitter is raising your child. I have to text her on the weekends for an update on what my child is now eating or drinking. It hurts deep in my soul. This is never what I imagined motherhood would be for me.

But while watching your children grow really is bittersweet, the sweetness really makes up for the bitter (and I can say that because she’s only just turned 1. Give me a few years to experience having a teenager and I might change my tune lol). As she’s growing, more opportunities open up for us. I’m already trying to plan concerts and fun mother daughter dates and family bonding adventures.

I always knew my mother worked to provide for us. But it didn’t make it hurt any less to not get to see her much or spend time with her. Mom working meant if I wanted to participate in any after school activities or clubs, I wouldn’t have had a ride home. So I missed out on a lot. And I know my mom did the best she could for me, I never doubted her love for or commitment to her children. But that’s still not the life I want for my child.

I realize that sacrifices are going to be made. But when people tell me I just don’t want to lose weight bad enough, or I just don’t want the extra money on my paycheck for working 12 hours a day instead of 10 hours a day bad enough…. It’s not worth it. I want it, but to lose the small amount of time I get with my daughter during the week? I can’t give that up. It’s easier to keep hating my body than to miss out on Daniel Tiger on Netflix before bed.

Does this mean that I don’t take time for me? Not at all. At this point in our lives, I don’t get it often. But when I do, I absolutely take it. But there are some things you just can’t give up on.

Update On Living

I’m living this life the best that I can. The hand I’ve been dealt was not one I expected, but I’ve amazed myself with my flexibility and my ability to survive. I’m not thriving, not yet. But I’m working on it.

Being a mother changes you. Not completely. I still like scary movies and rock concerts and I still long for adventure. But now I’ve got this little life that I created that depends on me. So I got a desk job. And it’s not a terrible job, but it’s not where I want to be, and it’s especially not the hours I want to work. But it’s opening up opportunities for me that can make our life better. Because this isn’t just my life anymore. I can’t just barely scrape by and not eat for awhile and work dead end jobs for minimum wage or less. This is our life, and I want to enrich it with love and curiosity and adventure and learning. She’s teaching me things just as much as I’m teaching her. And being a mother has become the single most important thing in my life. That does not mean I’ve given up on my own hopes and dreams. They just now are focused around her, and how I can achieve them with her. Because I feel like to be a good mommy, I can’t neglect myself.

I never thought I’d find real love again. For awhile I was just kind of… drifting. I didn’t stay long enough to create something real with anyone because I couldn’t settle, and people seem great at first, but when you stick around, you start to notice little things. And there were too many deal breakers. But somehow, the stars aligned and I met my saving grace. We fight, because we have a few major differences. But he makes me feel safe, and most of the time he really strives to make me feel cherished (when he’s not being a butt face). He does the dishes for me sometimes because he knows how much I hate doing dishes. And he loves my daughter as if she were his own flesh and blood.

I still have very bad days. I still have nights where I can’t sleep and I cry because I can’t turn my brain off and it’s stuck on manic. And more often than not I get scared that this is it, I’m going to be struggling for the rest of my life to keep my head above water while working a job I really don’t care to be stuck at. But I know that I’m strong. And I just need someone out there to understand that I’m not always okay, but I’m going to be fine.

50 More Shades of Shut Up Already!

Upon opening the second book of the 50 Shades trilogy, I asked myself, “Why am I putting myself through this shit again?” But I knew why. I was desperate to find that abuse everyone talked about. When you argue about the poor quality of the first book with fans of the trilogy, they immediately declare that you just won’t understand until you read the second and third books, because apparently that is where the “real” chemistry start. And thus, needing to be able to properly debate this whole thing, I set out to wade through the shallow waters of 50 Shades Darker.

We left off in the first book, Anastsia had just fled from Christian’s scary “50 shades of fucked up”. She had decided to let him really lay into her, and after her mild ass beating, she immediately closed up, rejected his after care, and decided that he was a monster and she could not possibly give him everything he needed. Commence scene where she goes home, throws herself on her bed dramatically, and cries. Poor Christian, finally gets the woman he apparently cares for to consent to a little rough handling, and she deserts just like his crack whore mother when she killed herself in front of 4 year old Christian and he was left with her dead body for 4 days.

But, let us jump right into the second book. Ana has begun her job at a publishing house in Seattle. Things seem to be going great, and she’s oblivious to her sleazeball boss’s firtations. Go figure. She receives flowers from everyone’s favorite billionaire 3 days after she stormed out on him, with a card congratulating her on her first day of work. 3 days laterm she gets an email from Mr. Grey, remembering that her friend’s art gallery opening is the next day and she had previously invited him to attend it with her. And of course, since she has no car at this point in time, he ofers to pick her up and take her still. And she, of course, agrees.

When Ana and Christian are reunited, we discover that she has not eaten since last Friday, the night she left him. And this has been a recurring theme with Ana. It seems anytime food is places in front of her, she becomes so sexually distracted that she loses her appetite. Or else, the distraction is her fear of Christian’s past and his deviant sexual appetites. This girl practically never eats. But thankfully, her habits seem to get better throughout the second book. I’ve never met someone who has forgotten to eat or completely lose their appetite as easily as Miss Steele. But, despite all that has transpired between them in the past week, the two slip easily back into their roles; Christian asserting his dominance and Ana acting like a rebellious teenager. They go to the art gallery, they go out to eat. End chapter one. So much excitement.

Chatper two we have negotiations that set the scene for the rest of the book, basically. Christian doesn’t want to lose her again, so he agrees to a vanilla relationship. We learn that Miss Steele doesn’t like pain, but she does like it a little bit. She doesn’t want to be punished (though she would benefit from it greatly), but she does want to be spanked a little. So, the Domly Dom who has never had a normal relationship is now in a normal relationship with a girl who is technically in her early 20s, but has the mentality of a preteen and doesn’t know better than to not send personal emails to you boyfriend through your work email. And even after she is warned that her work emails are monitored, she continues to send things that she definitely shouldn’t. Rebel without a cause, or ignorant teenager? Not that she’s entirely at fault. Christian could’ve stopped emailing her back. Dumb lovestruck socially inept billionaire.

The carrying on between Christian and Ana remains similar to what it was in the first book, but E.L James seems to be trying to turn the tables. Where in the first book Christian was portrayed as this strong character and Ana was unsure and insecure, the second book finds their roles switched. Ana seems to be thriving under this new relationship with Christian. No longer afraid of punishment, she’s become mouthy and more bratty than ever. And Christian, completely out of his element, is suddenly opening up and making himself vulnerable for this woman that he loves. Character develpoment? Or fantasy dreams of the lonely and sexually unfulfilled? Personally I think it’s the latter, but the author will probably argue with me, and arguing with children is tedious and hardly ever gets you anywhere, so I’m going to save myself the headache.

Obviously, now that we know that Christian is not going to dominate little Ana, the threat of abuse is gone from the storyline. So, what are we given to keep us reading once we realize this? We’re given Christian’s past. From the pedophilic Mrs. Robinson to a mentally unwell ex-sub, the drama never stops. The first book was about the contract. Will she or won’t she agree to become his submissive? The second book was definitely all about Christian’s past and battling his demons and putting them to rest. And it’s all rather hilarious, which is really the only redeeming quality of these book is the humor I find in how outrageous this all is.

And what is the icing on the cake of the Chrsitian Grey drama? All those times he told Ana that she wouldn’t want to be with him if she knew why he did the things he did, what was that all about? Well, my friends, I’ll tell you. Mr. Grey chooses his submissives, the women he brings into his house to beat and tie up and fuck… based on how much they look like his mother. Yes, folks, all his pretty brunette submissives remind him of mommy. Which kind of explains why all the women who work for him are blondes. BAM! Secret revealed, we can all go home. Drive safely!

But with all of this past drama squared away and imminent wedding bells, why do we need a third book? Is it just so the author can write out her dream wedding to the kinky billionare man of her dreams? Oh no, E.L. James has one more trick up her sleeve for us. Because after the sleazeball boss I mentioned earlier tries to blackmail Ana with those emails I also previously mentioned, Christian (who, by the way, bought the fucking publishing company Ana works for) has the sleazeball boss fired after Ana kicks him the balls and then Christian’s body guard has a go at him. And at the end of the book, we discover that the reason Christian’s helicopter malfunctioned (yeah, that’s right, I’m not giving you all the details. You want them, you have to suffer through the whole book like I did… Or maybe just ask me… I’ll probably tell you anyway) is because the sleazeball ex boss wants his revenge.

So, will I pick up the third book?… Probably. I’ve made it this far, I feel like I need to finish this out so that when I debate with fans I can be like “I READ THE DAMN BOOKS, I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT WHEN I SAY THIS IS ALL RUBBISH!” But, in terms of fucked up shit and good soap opera drama, the second book really brought it harder than the first book with all that transpires with Christian’s exes. Does Anastasia’s attitude and unrealistic insatiable sexual prowess for a recently deflowered virgin still piss me off because it makes ZERO sense for her to be able to have rough sex all of the days multiple times a day and never seem to become sore? Yes. I’m still searching for decent fictional books with bdsm storylines, but maybe I should stop looking in the erotica for young adults section, because I really feel like that is where this trilogy belongs.