Word Vomit on a Bad Day

The truth is that I’m not okay. I’m overwhelmed and stressed and scared and suicidal, but I know I can’t possibly kill myself because I’ve got a little girl who needs me, and that just adds to me feeling trapped. I need help, but it seems like nobody can help me, and I can’t catch a break. I’ve been very actively suicidal since Monday, but because I can’t get any help I’m just spiraling in and out of really low depressive moments where I cry and really manic moments where I feel the need to do something but can’t and just moments where I’ve given up and can barely find the strength or the will to even move. But every day when friends ask me how I am and I don’t have anything else to tell them, I feel like they’re getting tired of hearing me be like this. So I’m putting up this fake face to keep everyone happy. But the truth is I’m tired, and I need help so bad. And when I’ve tried to get help, nobody is actually helping me, or they can’t help me because they don’t know how. And I don’t even know how to help myself.

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