Do you know what makes depression hard? Do you know what makes depression like mine hard? The fact that it’s not really about you. It’s about everyone around you, your friends and family. It’s about how it makes them feel. It’s about how selfish you are and how they’ve done everything for you and care so much and love you so deeply and you just curl into this dark ball of fetid loathing for the world around you as much as for yourself and hurt them. All you do is hurt them. So you keep your mouth shut. You let them talk and stab you like they tell you that you’re stabbing them and you keep it all bottled up until it gets so bad you can hardly stand to breathe, but still you keep your mouth shut because you don’t want to be selfish, and you don’t want to hurt anyone, because you know what it’s like to hurt. But if they find out that you’re hurting, then they get hurt by feeling like you don’t trust them and like you’re hiding things from them when you should just be honest and let them try to help you.
I can’t sleep. I can barely eat. Breathing hurts and makes the nausea worse. I can hardly motivate myself to get out of bed in the morning. I can hardly motivate myself to do anything anymore. And I’m so lonely… This loneliness hurts more than anything, keeps the weight firmly splayed across my chest. It doesn’t take much to make me cry. I can’t figure out how to crawl out of this. There are no lights at the end of the tunnel, or the top of the well, or whatever place my mental state has spiraled into. Sometimes I feel the need to run, although my laughable fitness level wouldn’t let me run far, but I can’t run anyways because jarring activites like that are not safe for the baby if they weren’t already a part of your daily routine. I guess it’s just the need to run away. I’d be content with driving, if I had the gas and money to drive anywhere.
How is living so easy for some people?