Absence

I haven’t posted much. Ever. And I guess I should’ve expected that. My lack of motivation, willpower, and time do that to a lot of aspects in my life. And it’s not necessarily that I’m in the “mood” to write. But I feel like I need to, because I’ve been overflowing.

A friend recently posted something on Facebook that says it’s a sign of anxiety if you look in the mirror and contemplate your existence, your reality. I must be overloaded with anxiety, because for weeks now all I can think about is death.

As a Christian, raised in the faith by Baptists, I believe in God and Heaven and Hell. As an individual who has formed their own beliefs and understandings, I fear the possibility of us being wrong. Now, I don’t really wanna talk about religion. I’ve never read the Bible all the way through and I don’t go to church like I know I should, so I’m in way over my head when I try to actually talk religion. So that’s not where this is coming from.

This comes from a fear of nothingness. There were many years before me, before event he concept of me. And I do not remember anything from any of that time. It all happened, and I was nothing. And then I was, and I don’t even remember that until maybe age 3 or 4? But now I have consciousness. I am alive and I feel and I think. But what of death? What happens? What happens if religion is wrong and there is no Heaven or Hell and there is only nothingness as there was before me. The concept of not being is one so vast that I cannot wrap my head around it, and it leaves my chest tight in fear. I simply cannot imagine not being. I literally cry when I think about this, which is every day and most definitely every night.

And it makes me wonder, if in the end we take nothing with us and we just simply… cease to be, what is any of it for? Why are we even dong anything if none of it matters anyway? Some of us will leave a lasting impression, as seen in history books and art and music and whatnot. But think of how many people have existed that left no mark on the world. So many forgotten people, as if they never existed in the first place. Why even try?

I don’t know what it is that put this thought train into my head, but I can’t derail it. So I’m stuck on this loop with my throat feeling constricted and my body feeling cold and my temples hot and pounding.

I want to believe there is something after this. But then, how do we fathom forever? A continuous loop of existence in Heaven or Hell? Reincarnation with no remembrance of our past lives, just experiencing this world with new bodies and the same existential crises? It seems like most religions have a similar concept of the afterlife, in the sense that they believe in something after death, just as they seem to believe in something(s) or someone(s) bigger than themselves.

The uncertainties of life haunt me. I guess we’ll never know until it’s too late.

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