Endings

The funny thing is that I’ve been trying to type up a post about how I feel for a few days now, letting it sit in my drafts, unsure of how to say what I need to say. And the feelings I needed to release have now cost me my relationship.

I am strong in many senses of the word, and I can acknowledge that. But I also know where my weak points are, and my sensitivity is in that category. I am emotional, and I can’t help it, though i do try. I feel things very intensely, I am often irrational, and sometimes impulsive. I have very low self esteem, and I’m this interesting mix of introverted and extroverted where I do well on my own, but I still need human connection. And I currently don’t get that human connection.

I work a job that makes me miserable, and when I’m not working, I’m at home with my daughter. The only time this is broken is when I go to my fitness classes twice a week. But I’m not having conversations at my fitness classes, I’m trying to get strong. What this means is that I have no real decent conversations with anyone. And it’s a very lonely feeling when none of the people who live close to you are able to make time or don’t want to make time to come see you.

Up until last night, I was engaged. And the man that is now my ex got a job 4 hours from us, and so was only home on the weekends for the past 3 weeks. And during his time there, communication between us was scarce. I understood that he was busy. I was busy in my own way. But my loneliness and bitterness got in the way. Because when you live the way I do, and you get to watch and listen to your significant other work a job they love and be surrounded by friends and live this life of freedom that you don’t get because you actually have responsibilities and sole custody of your child, you get jealous.

And it’s not that I’m upset about having the baby. She is my whole world, my light in this darkness. I’m just, as I said before, lonely. It’s not his fault that he gets to live his life to such a fulfilling degree. But he’s not good at emotions, and so was never very good at helping me with mine. If he didn’t have the answer to my problems he’d just get frustrated, which is a common theme amongst my exes, apparently. And so we were stuck in this perpetual cycle of me feeling envious and lonely and him feeling guilty. And finally everything snapped. And now I’m once more a single mother.

It hurts. I can’t lie about that. I mean, I was engaged to this man. I feel… betrayed, worthless, pathetic, like a fucking mistake and failure. But most of my feeling is fear. Because I allowed myself to do something I swore I would never do, and once again I became dependent on a man. And now I have no one helping with the bills and my paycheck won’t cover all of my bills, plus childcare, plus gas, plus groceries. And I’m so fucking scared. And I’m ashamed that I let myself become so complacent. I mean, we even got a join checking account to use specifically for shared bills!

I’m currently flip-flopping between feeling sick to my stomach and feeling a steely resolve and determination. I don’t know how I’m going to do this, honestly, and I’ve got a million emotions raging in my head now. This man was the only father my daughter has ever known, though he is not her biological father. And he wants to stay in her life. Everyone is asking me if I’m okay. And the only answer I have for that is that i have to be. In reality? I’m not really okay right now. I’ve been shoved under the bus and I’m doing my best to tuck and roll and make it out alive. It’s a mess right now. But I’ve got to stay strong to support that little girl. I will do anything for her.