Update On Living

I’m living this life the best that I can. The hand I’ve been dealt was not one I expected, but I’ve amazed myself with my flexibility and my ability to survive. I’m not thriving, not yet. But I’m working on it.

Being a mother changes you. Not completely. I still like scary movies and rock concerts and I still long for adventure. But now I’ve got this little life that I created that depends on me. So I got a desk job. And it’s not a terrible job, but it’s not where I want to be, and it’s especially not the hours I want to work. But it’s opening up opportunities for me that can make our life better. Because this isn’t just my life anymore. I can’t just barely scrape by and not eat for awhile and work dead end jobs for minimum wage or less. This is our life, and I want to enrich it with love and curiosity and adventure and learning. She’s teaching me things just as much as I’m teaching her. And being a mother has become the single most important thing in my life. That does not mean I’ve given up on my own hopes and dreams. They just now are focused around her, and how I can achieve them with her. Because I feel like to be a good mommy, I can’t neglect myself.

I never thought I’d find real love again. For awhile I was just kind of… drifting. I didn’t stay long enough to create something real with anyone because I couldn’t settle, and people seem great at first, but when you stick around, you start to notice little things. And there were too many deal breakers. But somehow, the stars aligned and I met my saving grace. We fight, because we have a few major differences. But he makes me feel safe, and most of the time he really strives to make me feel cherished (when he’s not being a butt face). He does the dishes for me sometimes because he knows how much I hate doing dishes. And he loves my daughter as if she were his own flesh and blood.

I still have very bad days. I still have nights where I can’t sleep and I cry because I can’t turn my brain off and it’s stuck on manic. And more often than not I get scared that this is it, I’m going to be struggling for the rest of my life to keep my head above water while working a job I really don’t care to be stuck at. But I know that I’m strong. And I just need someone out there to understand that I’m not always okay, but I’m going to be fine.