Do You Understand?

You would never understand.

How can I even begin to make you understand the way I feel, this mind crushing depression? How do I explain how the line between mania and depression keeps becoming blurred as both feelings bleed together to create this mass of emotion and internal turmoil?

What can I say to make you be able to understand these self-harming urges to grab the nearest sharpest object, press it into the skin of my forearm or thigh and pull it across until I see the skin split and blood slowly drift to the surface and spill over? How can I put into words why I feel the need and want to do it, why it feels so good and so bad at the same time, and why I feel no remorse when I do give in?

If I could, I would bash my head into the wall, over and over again, until the pain brought tears to my eyes, and even then would I stop?

I have no coping mechanism. I can not talk about it, because it’s a tried and true fact that no one fucking cares. They all just get tired of listening to the same shit over over about how I just can’t get over it, And when their suggestions are of no help, they just get mad because they’re trying to help, I just don’t want their help (obviously, right?). 

This feeling leaves a knot in my throat and hot tears waiting for the chance to plunge down my cheeks and fall from my trembling lips onto my trembling hands. My head feels too full of everything, as if it’s being pushed from both the inside and the outside. The urge to pull at my hair, claw at my skin, to release this tension and anxiety makes me nervous and fidgety.

I’m only 20 years old, and already I’m so done with life. I’m no good at it, and I can’t seem to get the hang of it. I’ll never be good enough at anything, and being mediocre at best is crushing any self esteem that might ever try to lift me up.


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