Falling In The Darkness

I acknowledge that I basically have little to no reason to feel this way right now. Things really aren’t going too bad in my life, except for the one thing that seems to keep me on this perilous edge; money. 

(And to keep things absolutely in perspective, I’ve already backspaced an entire two very long sentences because my insecurities are fucking with me right about now)

I was diagnosed bipolar when I was probably 12-13. I don’t remember the doctor visit, or the diagnosis except for them telling my mother that I was “manic depressive”. A little personal research found that title to be directly tied in with bipolar, and suddenly a lot of things made sense. I’ve tried different medications, none ever making me feel better. I am a recovering cutter, my most recent self harming happening almost 6 months ago. But I’d be lying if right about now I wasn’t thinking about doing it again, even if I know I won’t.

The last psychologist I saw I barely talked to because he had me talk to some student intern and then had her fill him in on the details. And when he saw that I called myself bipolar, he looked up at me over the rim of his glasses and in his condescending tone that set in stone the fact that he had just lost me as a patient, told me that I was not bipolar, and to never call myself bipolar.

I hate it when people tell me I’m not bipolar, and to never call myself bipolar. I generally seem to hate it when people just dismiss my feelings in general, as if I don’t know what I’m feeling or I’m just being “irrational” and not understanding myself. 

So, this morning I wake up in a funk. And I’ve been feeling it coming on for a few days now, but I’ve tried to ignore it and hope that it goes away before it started. No such luck.

So what’s wrong? (Because God knows I’m not exactly in the mood to talk about what’s right, so bear with me, please). I am a 20 year old white female with little to nothing to put on a resume but one fast food job and strip clubs living on her own who, without friends and her grandmother, wouldn’t even be able to eat. I just started working two different strip clubs in the area, because I was getting seriously burnt out on one of them only making maybe $8 a 6-hour shift. I’ve got bills coming up that I’ve got to pay, I need a oil change and new windshield wipers. Fuck, i need gas money, since both of the clubs are 30 minutes away from my house.

It’s all this money stress that’s bringing me down. And listening to my mother stress about her money stresses and feeling like I’m supposed to do something to help but not being able to because I can’t even help myself. Fuck, I even bought my mom new windshield wipers while I’m still barely able to see on my long drives to work and back when the snow is slushy and my windshield wipers only make the problem worse. 

So now I’m on that slippery slope, and even though i try to buck up, IT’S NOT FUCKING WORKING. I don’t know what any one expects me to do, honestly. I can’t fucking help the way I feel. Oh, sorry my depression and anxiety is getting in the way of your happiness or is cutting into your depression. Here, let me console you and help with your problems and we’ll pretend mine don’t exist. 

I guess I kind of know where I was trained to feel like my emotions didn’t mean anything, and like my problems weren’t that important. And it’s stuck with me. I can’t help but feel like I shouldn’t talk about my problems. I’m so afraid everyone’s going to get tired of listening to me bitch and moan and rant. I’m so afraid of being a bother….

And it sucks, because I’ve got a pretty awesome guy that actually wants to be around me and thinks I’m pretty cool, and I don’t want him to have to deal with me. I don’t want anyone to have to deal with me. Which is also probably the reason I have friends, but don’t really talk to them. I know my shit gets old, that everyone eventually just gets tired of me being tired.

Now I guess we need to pose the question: Will my blog ever stop being so damn depressing? Yeah, eventually. But I’ve got to take it one day at a time. And these days aren’t so bright in my head.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s